(tires screech)
Excuse me.
Could you tell me how to get to the medical school?
I'm supposed to be doing a lecture in about 20 minutes,
and my driver's a bit lost.
(Austrian accent) You go straight ahead,
and, uh, you make a left over the bridge.
That's a lovely accent you have.
- New Jersey? - Austria.
Austria! Ha ha! Well, then...
(Australian accent) G'day, mate.
Let's put another shrimp on the barbie.
Let's not.
Oh.
("Boom shack-a-lak" playing)
# Boom shack-a-lak-a, what the people want #
# Women them a flex and the men them a chant #
# 'Ca' the '60s style, it have fe come back #
# Draw fe bell-bottom, block heel and frock #
# Boom shak-a-lak, rude boy #
# Here when we tell them now, sir #
# Wine your body, wriggle your belly #
# Dip and go down-ee in the new stylee #
# Wine and go up, wine and go down #
# Bubble and a rocka to the new style around #
# You fe line it up, you fe wine it up #
# Do the Boom shak-a-lak till the dance hall fill up #
# I say the Boom shack-a-lak are the brand new style #
# Wicked say it wicked, jah jah, no say it wild #
# Ragamuffin style fe the discipline child #
# Dip and go downa 'ca' it well versatile #
# You fe move fe your waist, move fe your back #
# Wine and go down, do the shack-a-lak-a-lak #
# Get in a groove 'ca' you are the top notch #
# Bubble and a wine gal right 'pon the spot. #
Now, who's got the wiener schnitzel?
(dog barks)
Beautiful. There you go, Dolf.
There you go, buddy. Yeah.
Let's see.
Next, we got roast beef au jus.
(dog whines)
Who's got the roast beef au jus?
Stella, beautiful. Bon appetit, Stella.
Oui oui, yeah.
Walk away. Go on. Go on.
Last but not least... foot-long!
- Who's got the foot-long? - (whimpering)
There you... very funny, rascal.
Very funny. In your dreams.
Man: Harry, why haven't you dropped those dogs off at the show yet?
Uh, sir, I didn't want to send them
to a performance on an empty stomach, sir.
- Get a move on it! - Yes, sir.
Mutt cutts. 10-4.
(all whining)
(horn honks)
(honks)
(tires screech)
Whew.
Suck me sideways.
Hello. How are you?
(romantic pop music playing)
Uh-uh-uh... uh... uh-uh-uh...
I'll be out in one minute.
(mumbles)
Ow.
(inhales)
(exhales)
Why are you going to the airport?
Flying somewhere?
How'd you guess?
I saw your luggage.
Then when I noticed the airline ticket,
I put two and two together.
So where're you headed?
Aspen.
Mmm... California.
Beautiful.
Name's Christmas, Lloyd Christmas.
I'm Mary Swanson.
This isn't my real job, you know.
- No? - Nope, my friend Harry and I
are saving up our money to open our own pet store.
That's nice.
- I got worms. - I beg your pardon?
That's what we're going to call it... I Got Worms.
We're going to specialize in selling worm farms,
you know, like ant farms.
What's the matter?
A little tense about the flight?
Something like that.
There's really nothing to worry about, Mary.
Statistically, they say you're more likely
to get killed on the way to the airport,
you know, like in a head-on crash or flying off a cliff
or getting trapped under a gas truck...
That's the worst. I have this cousin...
well, I had this cousin.
Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?
Oh. Yeah.
Good thinking.
Can't be too careful.
A lot of bad drivers out there.
(tires screeching)
Hey, watch it!
(dogs whimpering)
(tires screech)
Okay, gang, you know the rules...
no humping, no pushing, no sniffing heinies.
Where have you been? My dogs were supposed to be here 40 minutes ago!
Now I hardly have any time to primp them.
Don't worry about a thing, Mrs. Neugy-burger.
- Neugeboren! - Neug-neug-neug...
- Boren! - Boren.
These pooches aren't going to need any primping.
You know why? I'll tell you why.
Because I bathed them and I clipped them myself.
And I stand by my performance.
(whimpering)
You know, on second thought,
you might just want to run a comb through 'em.
Male voice: The white zone is for the immediate
loading and unloading of passengers only.
No parking.
Thanks. Here you go.
Oh no, Mary.
I couldn't possibly accept that,
not after all we've been through.
Thank you, Lloyd.
- Uh, good luck with your worms. - Yeah.
Hey.
How about a hug?
The white zone is for the immediate
loading and unloading of passengers only.
No parking.
Oh.
I hate goodbyes. (chuckles)
Oh.
(groans)
Uh, Lloyd...
Shh!
(whispers) Just go.
(romantic pop music playing)
(voice wavering) Be strong.
(sighs)
Woman over PA: Mr. Dan Mitchell,
please pick up the white courtesy phone.
Mr. Dan Mitchell, please pick up the white courtesy phone...
She's gonna leave the briefcase near the escalator.
- You make the pickup. - Piece of cake.
# Goodbye, my lo... # ugh!
(laughs)
Hi!
Passenger Maura Tadge,
please pick up the white courtesy phone.
You have a message.
Passenger Maura Tadge.
(yells) Agh! Mary!
Man: There's our payday.
She left it. Let's go.
Lloyd: Excuse me! Coming through!
Move it or lose it, sister!
Hey!
(panting)
Eenie...
meenie... minie...
mo!
Hold that plane!
Sir, you can't go in there!
It's okay!
I'm a limo driver!
- Agh! - (thuds)
Whew...
(moaning)
(tires screech)
(sirens blaring in distance)
Hi, Lloyd.
Hi, Harry.
- How was your day? - Not bad.
Fell off the jetway again.
Who the hell you figure
this guy's working for, anyway?
I don't know.
We sure as hell better find out.
The ulcer?
I'll live.
(bird chirping)
- So you got fired again, huh? - Oh, yeah.
They always freak out when you leave the scene of an accident, you know?
Yeah, well, I lost my job too.
Man! You are one pathetic loser.
(laughing) No offense.
No. None taken.
Ha ha ha!
You know what really chaffs my ass, though?
I spent my life's savings
turning my van into a dog.
Hi, Petey!
The alarm alone cost me 200.
Hey! Chicks love it.
It's a shaggin' wagon.
What's with the briefcase?
It's a love memento.
The most beautiful woman alive,
I drove her to the airport.
Sparks flew, emotions ran high.
She actually talked to me, man.
Get outta here.
Oh, yeah yeah. Tractor beam...
(humming whistle) sucked me right in.
Anyway... (inhales deeply)
she left this in the terminal
and flew to Aspen and out of my life.
What's in it?
Man... I would have to be a lowlife
to go rootin' around in somebody else's private property.
- Is it locked? - Yeah, really well.
(knock on door)
Harry: There's two of them. One of them's got a gun.
Did you pay the gas bill?
Hey...
(whispering) Do you realize what you've done?
I'm sorry. I say we bail.
Okay.
- (slams) - Briefcase ain't here.
They must have taken it with them.
Well, he's got to come home sometime.
Maybe we should trash the place,
send him a little message.
I don't think he's going to get that message, Joe.
I mean, the guy's got worms in his living room.
Well.
Oh, I got a better idea.
"I tought I taw a puddy cat.
I did. I did."
(squawks)
(cracking)
I can't believe we drove around all day
and there's not a single job in this town.
There is nothing, nada, zip!
Yeah, unless you want to work 40 hours a week.
Pfft!
Here. I'm going to go to the store.
Okay, just get the bare essentials.
This is the last of our dough.
Hey. What do I look like?
# Take a little walk to the edge of town #
# Go across the tracks #
# Where the viaduct looms #
# Like a bird of doom #
# As it shifts and cracks #
# Where secrets lie in the border fires #
# In the humming wires #
# Hey, man, you know you're never coming back #
# Past the square, past the bridge... #
# Past the mills, past the stack... #
(grunting)
# On a gathering storm #
# Comes a tall handsome man... #
Cripes!
# In a dusty black coat with a red right hand. #
Excuse me, little old lady.
(tires screech)
Uh, do you have change for a dollar?
Change?
No, I'm sorry. I don't.
Oh... well, uh,
could you do me a favor and watch my stuff here
while I go break a dollar?
- Of course. - Thanks.
Hey. I guess they're right.
Senior citizens,
although slow and dangerous behind the wheel,
can still serve a purpose.
I'll be right back. Don't you go dying on me!
- Ugh! - Where's the booze?
I got robbed by a sweet old lady
on a motorized cart.
I didn't even see it coming.
Oh...
- Harry? - No...
- Harry. Come on, Harry.
Cheer up.
It gets worse, Lloyd.
My parakeet Petey...
- Yeah? ...he's dead.
(gasps)
Aw...
Oh, man. I'm sorry, Harry.
What happened?
His head fell off.
His head fell off?
Yeah, he was pretty old.
Ugh!
That's it.
I've had it with this dump!
We got no food. We got no jobs.
(yells) Our pets' heads are falling off!
Okay, just calm down!
What the hell are we doing here, Harry?
We gotta get out of this town!
Yeah? And go where? Where are we gonna go?
I'll tell you where,
someplace warm...
a place where the beer flows like wine,
where beautiful women instinctively flock
like the salmon of Capistrano.
I'm talking about a little place called...
Aspen.
I don't know, Lloyd. The French are assholes.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute! I know what you're up to, mister.
Yeah! You just wanna go to Aspen
and find that girl who lost her briefcase,
and you need me to drive you there!
- Right? Am I right? - Yeah. So?
- Am I right? Am I right? - Yeah! So?
So I wanna go someplace where we know somebody
who can plug us into the social pipeline.
No! No no no! No, Lloyd!
No! I say we stay here, we hunt for jobs,
and we keep saving our money for the worm store!
I don't know about you,
but I am getting sick and tired
of-of running from creditors!
You know what I'm sick and tired of, Harry?
I'm sick and tired of having to eke my way through life.
I'm sick and tired of being a nobody.
But most of all...
I'm sick and tired of having nobody.
(soft piano music playing)
Okay, Lloyd.
Aspen it is.
You'd better not be foolin'.
(chuckles)
(crying)
Okay okay,
just let it out. Have a good cry.
Come on.
Okay.
(sobbing)
Okay, that's enough.
# I never met a girl #
# Who made me feel the way that you do #
# You're all right #
# Whenever I'm asked who makes my dreams real #
# I tell them you do, you're outta sight #
# I'm bringin' you a love that's true #
# So get ready, get ready #
# I'm gonna try to make you love me too #
# So get ready, get ready, here I come #
# Get ready 'cause here I come... #
Lloyd, what are you doing?
It feels like you're running at an incredible rate, Harry.
Would you quit it? We're not even through Connecticut yet,
and already you're annoying me.
- Sorry. - Jeez.
- We're really doing it, aren't we? - Yeah.
Hey, where'd you get those?
I bought them when we filled up.
Well... (stutters) we're supposed to talk
about all expenditures, Lloyd.
We're on a very tight budget.
This didn't come out of our travel fund.
Oh.
No, I was able to raise 25 extra bucks
before we left.
Where did you get 25 extra bucks?
I sold some stuff to Billy in 4C.
The blind kid?
Yeah!
Yeah.
What did you sell him, Lloyd?
Stuff.
- What kind of stuff? - I don't know.
A few baseball cards, a sack of marbles...
(coughs) Petey.
Petey?
You sold my dead bird to a blind kid?
Lloyd, that-that... what are you...
Petey didn't even have a head!
Harry, I took care of it.
Pretty bird.
Yeah. Can you say, "pretty bird"?
Pretty bird.
Yes, pretty bird.
Pretty bird.
Polly want a cracker?
Those rat bastards.
They're rubbing it right in our faces.
Man, Andre'll have a goddamn hemorrhage
if we don't get that briefcase back.
They must have been following us for weeks.
- Why you say? - "Gas Man."
How the hell do they know that I got gas?
They gotta be pros.
Don't worry. We're going to get that money back.
And I'll tell you something else,
they ain't never getting to Aspen.
I'm going to see to that.
Lloyd: They got The Monkees.
They were a major influence on The Beatles.
Yeah, I know.
Excuse me, Flo?
(both laughing)
Flo, like the TV show.
Uh... what is the "soup du jour"?
It's the soup of the day.
Mm-hmm...
That sounds good. I'll have that.
Anything else before I leave the area?
No... yeah...
yes yes, my soda's flat.
It doesn't have any bubbles.
Happy now?
Feels good to mingle with these laid-back country folk,
don't it, Harr? I like it a lot.
- Uh-oh. - What? What's the matter?
(blows)
You spilled the salt, that's what's the matter.
Spilling the salt is very bad luck.
We're driving across the country.
The last thing we need is bad luck.
Quick. Toss some salt over your right shoulder.
(thumps)
Uh-oh, too little too late, Harry.
Who's the dead man that hit me with the salt shaker?
(crowd murmuring)
(humming)
Harry: Well... uh...
it was a terrible mistake, sir.
Please, believe me. I would never do anything
to offend a man of your size.
Kick his ass, Sea Bass!
You gonna eat that?
What? That? No... yes... no.
Well... no, it crossed my mind.
Yeah.
(snorts, hawks)
Still want it?
Nah, you go ahead.
You really wimped out, man.
What are you talking about, wimped out?
Well-well, did you... the guy hawked on my burger!
Hey, wait a second.
I think I just...
Yeah... I just had an idea.
Follow me.
Whew.
Lloyd: Excuse me. Guys?
What the hell do you want?
Uh... I just want to apologize
for that uh... unpleasant scene
a little earlier.
My friend Harry and I would, uh...
like to buy you guys a...
round of beers...
just to bury the hatchet.
Make it four boilermakers.
Whatever you want, sir.
I'll have the waitress bring it over immediately.
- Lloyd, what are you doing? - (shushing)
We can't afford to buy them drinks.
Um... excuse me.
Sea Bass and the fellas offered to pick up our check.
They said just put it on their tab.
They're very nice.
Sea Bass said that?
Well, if uh...
that guy at the table over there is Sea Bass.
Ah! Uh.
All right, if that's what he wants.
Put these on there too, okay?
You got it.
I'm gonna kill those sons of bitches!
(both laugh)
That was genius, Lloyd, sheer genius!
I mean, where did you come up with a scam like that?
- Saw it in a movie once. - That was incredible!
So what happened? So the guy tricks some sucker
into picking up his tab, then gets away with it scot-free?
No, in the movie, they catch up to him a half-mile down the road
and slit his throat. It was a good one!
(laughing)
Wow. (grunts)
- Harry? - What?
I know this isn't the best time, but...
- when you get a chance to pull over... - Yeah?
- I gotta pee. - What, are you crazy?
I'm not pulling over now.
But I gotta go! What am I supposed to do?
Well-well, whiz in one of the empty beer bottles in the back.
They're on the floor. Just get one of...
- Jeez, Lloyd! - Quit moving around!
Huh! What...
Shit!
(unzips pants)
- Watch the seat! Watch the seat! - Okay!
All right!
(trickling)
Ahh...
- Uh-oh. - What? What's wrong?
The bottle's almost full and I'm still going.
- So stop going. - I can't stop going once I've started.
It stings.
Quick! Get me another bottle.
- What? - Come on.
Hurry hurry hurry hurry hurry hurry!
Come on! Come on!
Okay okay, here here here. Hold it!
- Hold that. - Jesus.
Hold that one.
Hurry. I'm pinching it.
What are you, a camel?
(sighs)
- (siren blaring) - Pull over!
- Huh? - Pull over!
No, it's a cardigan, but thanks for noticing.
Yeah. Killer boots, man!
Pull your vehicle to the side of the road!
License and registration, please.
You fellas were going a little fast back there, wouldn't you say?
You, uh... you fellas been doing
a bit of boozing, have you?
Sucking back on Grandpa's old cough medicine?
No. Oh no, sir.
- No no no. - No, huh-uh.
Yeah, well, what's that?
- That's nothing, sir. - Yeah, nothing.
Yeah well, you aware that it's against the law
to have an open alcohol container
here in the State of Pennsylvania?
Come on, give me that booze,
you little pumpkin-pie- haircutted freak!
Come on!
Sir, no, I-I...
No, sir, don't. Don't drink...
You'd keep your mouth shut
if you knew what was good for you, buddy.
Harry: Tic Tac, sir?
Get the hell outta here!
(coughs, retches)
Mary: How could they not have gotten the ransom?
It just doesn't make sense.
I left the money exactly where they instructed me to.
Woman: Oh, it makes perfect sense, Mary.
We should have called the authorities
the minute we knew that Bobby was kidnapped.
Now, Helen, we've been through this already.
- Mr. Andre. - Nicholas.
- Karl. - Nick Nick Nick.
Any word yet, sir?
No, nothing yet, Nicholas.
(sighs)
I've been giving this a lot of thought.
Maybe we should cancel
the preservation benefit this weekend.
It would be so easy to reschedule it.
No, I don't think we should do anything out of the ordinary.
Yeah, she's right. It's imperative that we carry on as usual...
- Okay. ...especially you, Mary.
What am I supposed to do,
just go about my life like everything is fine?
That's exactly what you should do.
Yes, go skiing, go to parties, act normally, you know.
Yeah, don't you see, honey?
We can't let on that anything's wrong.
If the press or the authorities get wind of this,
the kidnappers may panic.
Mm. I mean, you never know
what they might do to him then.
(snoring)
# I saw her sitting in the rain #
# Raindrops falling on her #
# She didn't seem to care #
# She sat there and smiled at me #
- # Then I knew # - # I knew, I knew, I knew, I knew #
- # She could make me happy # - # Happy happy #
# She could make me very happy... #
# Flowers in her hair #
# Flowers everywhere #
# I love the flower-girl #
# Oh, I don't know just why #
# She simply caught my eye #
# I love the flower-girl... #
So he says, "Do you love me?"
and she says, "No, but that's a real nice ski mask."
(all laughing)
Hey, man, what's that?
(passes gas)
# I knew I had to say hello #
# Hello hello #
# She smiled up at me #
# And she took my hand #
# And we walked through the park alone #
# And I knew #
# I knew, I knew, I knew, I knew #
# She had made me happy... #
Whoo!
# Happy happy, she had made me very happy #
- # Flowers in her hair... # - (cracks)
- (bell rings) - (roaring)
(crunches)
(yelling)
(movements swishing)
(high-pitched battle-cries)
(trills)
(gurgling)
(snorts)
(shouts)
(vocalizes)
Ahh...
eh?
Aah!
(heartbeat thumping)
- # Suddenly, the sun broke through # - # See the sun #
- # I turned around, she was gone # - # Where did she go? #
(grunting)
(moaning)
Oh! Oh!
(groaning)
(rips)
# Flowers in her hair #
# Flowers everywhere #
# I love the flower-girl #
# Was she reality #
# Or just a dream to me? #
# I love the flower-girl #
(fades) # Her love showed me the way... #
- # To find a sunny day. # - (horn honking)
Whoa!
(backfire)
You want me to drive?
No, I'm cool.
(water bubbling)
Yeah!
Get her!
(chuckles)
- Ohh. - (thuds, water splashes)
(sighs)
This is the life...
cold beer, a hot tub and paper-thin walls.
(laughs)
There's only one thing that could make this moment any better.
What's that?
If you had a nice set of knockers.
(laughs) That's two things, Lloyd.
Yeah, well, it's a good thing you're not stacked, Harry,
or I'd be banging you right now.
(both laugh)
I'd show you what a real man can do.
Split you like an old piece of firewood.
You'd probably like it too, you big homo.
Shut up.
Don't tell me to shut up, woman.
(chuckles)
I don't know, Lloyd. You know,
this place doesn't really do it for me.
It brings back a lot of memories.
Pour quoi?
It was a few years ago.
What happened, Harry? Some little filly break your heart?
No, it was a girl.
- Oh. - Fraida Felcher.
Yeah, we stayed in a place just like this.
Wasn't this classy, but, you know, nice.
Felcher? From Cranston?
Yeah. You know her?
Oh, yeah!
I mean, I remember you...
talking about her.
We had the most incredibly romantic time.
I thought we were gonna be together forever,
and then about a week later, right out of the blue,
she sends me a John Deere letter.
- She give you any reason? - Yeah, I called her up.
She gave me a bunch of crap
about me not listening to her enough or something.
I don't know. I wasn't really paying attention.
But the thing that hurt the most
is I think she was seeing another guy.
Never did find out who.
(vacuum whirring)
Mental: Mr. Andre, guess who we just happened upon?
- Yeah. - Man: I had plans.
- Things I wanted to do. - Yeah.
This is where it all ends... at a phone booth.
- (man muttering) - Yeah. The boys are holed up
in a little love-nest for the night.
I think they're a little bit strange.
What the hell are these guys up to?
I mean, is it possible that they could be feds?
Highly unlikely from what I've seen.
Sir, did you ever hear
of the concept of other people?
Um... me being that for the phone,
sir.
Oh, you turned your back on me.
Ho ho ho! He got me mad. I almost like it.
You and Shay were supposed to grab that bag
- so we could end this shit! - Here's your drink, baby.
Do you know the damage I could do to you?
Hold on a minute.
Hmm.
But that's not your problem.
You didn't know.
Get off the phone.
Get off the pho...
I'm sorry, Mr. Andre. You were saying?
Look, Mental,
these jokers have got a lot of money and it belongs to me!
Now, I want to know who they are and what they're doing with it!
Hey hey hey, I told you already. I'm on it.
- All right? - Good.
Harry: According to the map,
we've only gone about four inches.
You know, I don't think
we have enough gas money.
Relax. We have more than enough.
I think you're wrong, Lloyd.
How much you wanna bet?
I don't bet.
What do you mean, you don't bet?
I mean I don't bet. I don't gamble.
(deep voice) Pussy pussy pussy!
- I never have, and I never will. - Yeah, right!
I'll bet you 20 bucks I can get you gambling
- before the end of the day. - No way.
- I'll give you 3-to-1 odds. - Nope.
- 5-to-1? - Nope.
- 10-to-1? - You're on.
(both chuckle)
I'm going to get you.
- Huh-uh. - Oh, yeah.
I don't know how, but I'm going to get you.
- Yeah. Oh, yeah. - Nuh-uh.
Come on, Joe. Let me do them.
Let me do both of them.
You wouldn't even have to worry about it.
Just shut up!
Now, we don't even know who the hell they are.
You don't kill people you don't know.
That's a rule.
Now, I want you to get up here,
lie down on the front seat.
When they pick me up, you follow us. You got that?
Keep your shirt on. I gotta squeeze a lemon.
Mental: Hey, hey, hey. Here they come.
Stay down, stay down!
Say, uh, are you guys going to Davenport?
My car died, and I'm late for a luncheon.
We usually don't pick up hitchhikers,
but I'm going to go with my instinct on this one.
Saddle up, partner.
You're it.
- You're it. - You're it! Quitsies!
Anti-quitsies. You're it. Quitsies. No anti-quitsies.
- No startsies. - You can't do that.
- Can too. - Cannot. Stamped it.
Can too. Double-stamped it. No erasies.
Cannot. Triple-stamped it. No erasies.
You can't triple-stamp a double-stamp!
You can't triple-stamp a double-stamp, Lloyd!
You can't triple-stamp a double-stamp. Lloyd! Lloyd!
Guys! Enough!
Hey, you wanna hear the most annoying sound in the world?
(screeches)
Guys! Guys! Guys!
Fellas, you think we could
listen to the radio or something?
Radio? (laughs)
Who needs a radio? Ready, Harry?
- # Mock- # - # Yeah #
- # -ing- # - # Yeah #
- # -bird # - # Yeah #
- Lloyd: # Yeah # - # Yeah #
Both: # Mockingbird #
# Don't... everybody, have you heard? #
# She's gonna buy me a mockingbird #
# And if that mockingbird don't sing #
# She's gonna buy me a diamond ring #
# And if that diamond ring don't shine... #
Hey, Lloyd, look! There's some people who want a ride too.
Pick 'em up!
(cows moo)
(playing acoustic guitar)
- Harry and Lloyd: # Mock- # - # Sí #
- # -ing- # - # Sí#
- # -bird # - # Sí #
Harry and Lloyd: # Sí #
Harry: You want an atomic pepper, Mr. Mentaliano?
Nah, you guys go ahead.
I'll do it if you will, Lloyd.
Okay. You go first.
No, huh-uh, no, you go first.
- No, you go first. - No, you go first.
- I always go first!
Why don't you guys both stop acting
like a couple of pussies
and go at the same time, huh?
- That sounds like a dare, Harry. - It's a double-dare.
Yeah, okay, you're on.
Mmm!
- Huh. It's not so bad. - Uh-huh.
Yeah. It's more tingly than hot.
- Yeah. - (coughing)
Agh!
(both screaming, gagging)
Uh, if you fellas would excuse me,
I've got to use the phone.
Enjoy your meal, guys.
(whimpering)
Here, Lloyd, this helps!
Here here.
It... it works good.
Ugh!
Yeah, it's Mental. I'm just sitting down
- to a nice meal with our boys. - Well, how nice for you.
Don't forget that your bread plate is on the left!
Look, I can't have these guys running around Aspen.
Don't worry. They ain't gonna be runnin' around nowhere
after I dump a little rat poison in their Shirley Temple.
("The Bear Song" playing)
- Good good. - Okay, that's good.
Here he comes. Here he comes.
Feeling better, girls?
Yes, much better. Thank you for asking.
# The other side of the mountain was all that he could see, so! #
# He went back over the mountain to see what he could see, hey! #
So why are you going to Aspen? Vacation?
Why don't you eat up and we'll tell you?
(both snorting)
It just doesn't seem like you packed much.
All I saw was one bag and that briefcase.
Well, no no, the briefcase isn't even ours.
Some lady left it at the airport.
We're just bringing it back to her.
How's your burger?
You mean, you don't even know her?
(laughing)
I mean,
talk about being in the wrong place at the wrong time.
# The bear went over the mountain to see what he could see, hey! #
# The other side of the mountain was all that he could see, so!
# So he went back over the mountain to see what he could see, hey! #
# The other side of the mountain was all the he could see! #
(kettle whistling)
(groaning)
(both laughing)
Are you okay, man? It was just a goof.
Oh, my ulcer!
Quick! My pills!
Waitress: Maybe somebody should call an ambulance.
Look, uh, you get the pills.
Don't worry. I know CPR.
I'll get the pills.
Out with the bad air, in with the good.
- Out with the bad air... - Get off!
Ugh!
Agh, don't! Don't don't!
Back back!
This is a lot easier if you just lay back.
- Here. - He's resisting me!
Here. Here we go, here we go.
- Lloyd: Pills! - There you go! There you go.
- Pills are good! - Take 'em down.
- Pills are good! - Drink 'em down.
There you go.
- There you go, big guy. - That's better!
You want some ketchup and mustard?
That helped us.
Son of a bitch! (gurgling)
Check, please.
I can't believe it.
Life's a fragile thing, Harr.
One minute you're chewing on a burger,
the next minute you're dead meat.
But he blamed me. You heard him.
Those were his last words.
Not if you count the gurgling sound.
- You mean he was poisoned? - No doubt about it.
We found these next to the body.
- Sir. - Yeah?
Waitress says he came in with a couple of younger guys.
Now they're the ones who called the ambulance, and then they hit the road.
- Get any idea where they were going? - We just received a report
that they were seen headed west on I-80 towards Colorado.
Did you get a make on the vehicle?
Uh, yes, sir.
They're driving an '84... sheepdog.
(rock music playing)
(tires screech)
- # Take... # - (snoring)
# Take a picture, take a little time #
# No need to dig through the dumpster #
# For all the stuff you thought that you'd left behind... #
# Take my car #
# Drive it to the outside world #
# Take it far, farther now from me #
# Take it all #
# Happy, girl, the fact is #
# Take my heart #
# Take take take me apart. #
Skis, huh?
That's right.
Great.
They yours?
Uh-huh.
Both of 'em?
Yeah.
Cool.
Um, excuse me, but you're, uh...
you're spraying everywhere.
Oh!
(whistling, urinating)
(door opens)
(door closes)
(footsteps approach)
(zips pants)
(door rattling)
- (screams) - Oh, man, you gotta be shitting me.
If it ain't my old friend!
And right on time.
(whimpering)
That's a lot of luggage for a little vacation.
- I'm moving to Aspen. - Oh.
I've got to get away from my boyfriend. He's such a klutz.
Plus, my astrologer told me that I really should stay away
from accident-prone guys, so, you know.
Oh, well, you know, I...
Here. It's a little loose. You might want to...
- Mm. Thank you. - Oh, no. Hey, no, allow me.
I've got a thing of...
here. Got 'em right here. Right here.
- (gasoline ignites) - Thank you.
Sure. You know, I'm heading up to Aspen myself.
Maybe we could, you know, meet up,
have some hot chocolate or something.
Sure, why not? You seem harmless.
I'm going to give you my number.
- Let me find a pen though. - Great!
- Let's see. - That's... ah!
- I know I have one in here somewhere. - Look, why don't you
just tell it to me? I got a really good memory.
- Well, the number's 555... - 555.
905... wait a minute. That's my old number.
That is so weird how your mind just goes blank.
For God's sakes, just give me the damn number!
Okay, look, uh, you gonna get pushy, forget about it.
Find a happy place.
I'll show you a happy place.
Here's your happy place.
- (yells) - (groans)
(panting)
(whimpers)
(police radio chattering)
Man: Move those cars! Move it! Move it!
Go around, man. Go around.
More flags over here!
All right, any sign of them yet?
No, sir, but we're expecting them shortly.
A motorist saw a pooch about 30 miles back headed this way.